(CAUTION: NOTE CONTAINS SWEARING, COMPLAINING AND TRUE AND HONEST FEELINGS THAT MAY HURT YOU. I only wrote this note to rant and to feel better by writing it out. I don't mean to stuff this all in someone's face about all my worries( so um don't read it if you hate me cause you'll hate me more)

Has anyone looked at my stupid Biorhythm lately?

Because for about a week or more it has been all in the negative. Physically, emotionally, and intellectually negative.

And it's all true. I'm not saying I believe the stupid thing. But I wanted to easily get my point across. The point is, I'm messed up just as that stupid application says.
I'm uberly depressed this summer. I guess it has to do with everything changing around me. I wish there was someone specifically that I could talk to. But that's part of my problem. I have so many friends all over the place (no really, look at my friends list...I know people from all over) that it's hard to stay in touch. Most of the people I get along best with live so far away. Like Nancy. She lives out in Philly. She's an amazing person. I basically only decided to originally go to Geneva College to room with her. But now I'm not going to Geneva.

I'm off to Baldwin-Wallace.

New School.

Freaking Again.

Crap. So last year, I was getting ready to go to a new school, Lincoln Park Performing Arts Charter School. It was every thing I ever dreamed of. Or so I thought. But before I get to that, I have to say that I had a really hard summer. I didn't realize that my friends at Riverside were just plainly school buddies. We only hung out at school. And there really was no reason to hang outside of school. We were all in the RHS band and we all spent enough time together through band. That and the worse problem. A best friend. Everyone in my 'click' or group or whatever had a best buddy. I was sort of the odd-ball. But everyone liked me cause I was the funny and entertaining one. I'm not afraid to make a fool out of myself. And I guess they sometimes they liked coming to me with their problems. Somehow alot of people put trust in me to tell their secrets and to get advice. I suppose it's because I don't judge people. I try to help people understand their problems from different angles, to see what it means to other people in their eyes. Usually that makes all the difference. That's pretty much why people go to other people for help. For another view. I just don't give out my view. I give out many. It's the way I am. I don't take sides easily.


Ok, enough with the random rant and back to what I really meant to talk about. Last summer sucked. No job. One friend. He was a boyfriend and he was really fun to hang out with. Then he broke up with me. Just out of the blue. At the beginning of August. Don't read the next word.

Shit.

I was friendless. A month before school. Depressed to the point that I barely ate for a week and a half and to this day have not re-gained my normal eating habits. I lost 10 pounds in two weeks. I never cried about the breakup. I cried because I had no one left. I was alone, going to a new school. I was still optimistic through it all. The thought that I would finally go to a school that would understand my passion for music kept me from going nuts.

O but LPPACS wasn't all it was cracked up to be. We all knew it. I'd be one of the few students to admit it. There were so many good things about it that there just had to be so many crappy things to go with it. You can't have everything. Let me list the pro's and con's of my happy/sad time at LPPACS...

Pro's:
-amazing teachers
-an adminstration that cared
-brand new beautiful building
-studying music
-being surrounded by so many talented kids
-experiencing and seeing new art forms
-finally being pushed by peer pressure to BE DIFFERENT and not the same
being allowed to pursue music and art outside of school (i.e. skipping school for music related education, like performing and lessons)

Con's:
-Too full
-no where to practice
-some of the teachers were too professional and hard to talk to. One stands
out the most and he wasn't a bad person, he just handled things differently and well there's more to it, but he basically nearly made my year hell.
-the fact that Mr. Lauffer was so easy to talk to but too busy to actually talk to.
-all the EFFIN drama. It only gets worse at a arts school. You thought high school was bad...and in high school it's all "Boo hoo my bf broke up with me and I have no boobs." well Arts school is like " I really suck at this! I can't play! I'm no good!" or " So and so is soooooooo much better than me *tear*!" and "OMG that person sucks. I AM SOOOOO MUCH BETTER! Am I not?"
-All the political drama. Stupid Beaver County Times. Trying to fuck with arts education! SO WHAT IF CHARTER SCHOOLS TAKE AWAY FROM PUBLIC SCHOOLS!! Public schools took our ARTS FIRST! End of story, now leave the charter school alone.


In all, LPPACS has good intentions. I'm more than confident that it will become an amazing nationally-known school someday. The first years after making a brand new school are just hard. And stupid Western PA people that are so involved with sports. They can't see that sports and arts are both important. Except everyone should learn an art. It helps us all to understand the world better and to appreciate how beautiful it is. Do you find silence as music? Can you find beauty in abstract art? Do you understand how hard it is for actors and singers to get anywhere? Did you ever realize that singers could lose their voice or damage it permanently and never sing again? Do you walk in the city and bask in the sun and take in all the city life around you? No?

I didn't think so.

There's another thing that bothers me. I know my parents can't help me pay for college, but do they have to stuff it down my throat? What did I do to make them complain about it? I'm sorry I'm not going to Geneva where I could have gotten free tuition. But that would have meant living at home. And why shouldn't I live at home? Because there's NOWHERE to practice freely. And nobody supports what I do. I'm constantly made fun of at home. Music is for losers, You're not going any where, Stop wasting your time, You can't afford it, WE can't afford it, You take all of our money, Stop wasting money on those stupid lessons, You don't NEED to do that or go to that...

O God! I hate it! Why do people have to treat me like that? And why can't they understand that I know it's hard. I know I used alot of mom's and dad's money. What was I supposed to do? Not do anything? Live at home like my older adult siblings? Waste money on things like candy like my younger siblings, Holly and Matt do? I'm SICK of it! There's no one left to talk to. My dad went pyscho. And the pastor is even on his side! Every sunday that I go to church, Mr. Black trys to hug or at least give me a handshake. Cause that's the way he is. Friendly. But I can't even look at him. I feel like he's only made things worse when we asked for our help.

And the worst part is...
I don't want to go to Church anymore. I think I've hit rock bottom with my faith. I'm nearly walking backward in my walk with God. Of course I still believe in him but all of a sudden I have doubted everything I've known. I used to look to God when things went wrong. And they got better. What happened this time God? What are you trying to do pulling apart my family like this? Did you know that my dad was thinking of putting my younger brother into foster care? Do you know how much that hurts? Do you know how much it hurts to hear my dad lie about me to my Grandma, my Aunt and Uncle, and even to the pastor??? Does God know that I've tried talking to dad? Does he know I told my dad I loved him for the first time two weeks ago and that my dad ignored it? Why doesn't God do something?

I'm afraid to say that I'm going to Hell if I were to die this summer. I can't help it. The RP church puts me down. They expect too much out of everyone. I'm not perfect and neither is anyone else. I shouldn't be excluded from youth trips because I'm not a member of the church. I was taking membership seriously. At College Hill RP Church, they had me take church membership classes at about 12. When the class ended they wanted me to join. WTF? I'm only 12! It's wrong! I don't think I was mature enough at that age. In fact I was smart enough because I knew I shouldn't. It's not something you just do. It's something that needs to be thought about. Something that should be done after seeing whats out there in the world. What if you discovered a Baptist church and found that's really what you believe? O but shame on you! The RP congregation will be like what the crap are you doing? This is the place to be, we're so cool with our Theology that we slam in your face every Sunday! Sorry to burst your RP Bubble, but ah God did say in the Bible not to talk in tongues. And in my understanding of that passage, He was talking about preaching the Word in ways that were understandable to everybody. Not freaking talking about fancy theology and using big Greek words like some College lecture. Save it for Sunday School.




Phew... um. So, yea. I'm messed up. I don't even have God to talk to. So much for life. If I disappear, I'm living as a bum in Pittsburgh. Which, if you didn't know, would make my life happy. Because it seems that Pittsburgh is the only place where I am happy. Alone or not.


Peace :/

Current Mood: bitchy

Hey bloggers.

It's me Sara Grace!!! O NO!

And guess what? I'm going to rant and rave about random stuff. Like how I didn't eat much today because I actually had breakfast for once.

I apologize to Jon  for copying him and getting LiveJournal.